I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
🤣
Those are good neighbors.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me