I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.