Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
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Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
stop
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
August 8
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*