Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*
“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”