I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.

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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best


girl came up to me at LAX and said i looked familiar so i said prob from twitter? she was like omg yea so she took my phone to add me on ig snap etc. then left for her gate, entire flight home i felt like the man but i just landed and bro she cashapp’d herself $500 from my acct


I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.


[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out


Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine


Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots


I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.


Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.