Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Fries, not lies.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
found this cool rock hiking today
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.