I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
🔦🌙👣
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.