I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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ME (calling my horse with no name):
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row