I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
#milo
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
mechanics be like
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
We need more people like this.