I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.

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What do we want?


When do we want them?



*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.


Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list


If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following


My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.


Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.


I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!


The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.