@sweetmomissa

I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.

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@ScorpionDong

What do we want?

-SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS!

When do we want them?

-NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@FU_TangClan

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

@JasonNotEvil

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

@RunOldMan

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

@evanrhorne

I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.