“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

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My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?


*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.


I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.


bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore


I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen


In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.


If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.


Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.