@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

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@salamingia

My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?

@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

@AbbyHasIssues

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@divergentmama

I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@shariv67

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.