“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.