@OakHill_

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

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@TheGladStork

I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

@TheOldFolksHome

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

@calamitydaisy

I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.

@rad_milk

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

@treydayway

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

@ThisOneSayz

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

@SalmaElWardany1

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan