‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

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I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”


My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.


Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.


I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.


GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]


Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit


No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.


Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.


Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan