My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21