@PortRooster

“I’m a hoarse whisperer…”

– Batman

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@Shade510

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

@Swishergirl24

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

@Chumpstring

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

@ilovepie84

I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep

@bingowings14

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@abrianmc

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

@Book_Krazy

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

@markleggett

Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He’d be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you’ll have the element of surprise.