I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Welcome to the stomach
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world