@Breadery

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

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@MollyCocktail

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

@ClichedOut

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

@Marlebean

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

@gamecox93

Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@qwertying

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

@thestlouisan

-Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
[seated]
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…

@Marlebean

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.