King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.