The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[At the magic store]
Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.
Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?
Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!
Dude: You’re so whipped.
Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?