“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Sign of the day..
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
translated into Canadian
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*