I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.