@Not_James_Vogel

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

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@LostFelicia

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

@Parkerlawyer

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

@TwinSurvivalist

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

@Rollinintheseat

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

@jasonroeder

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”