@lilplayer809

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

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@stevemarriott

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

@HrBry

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

@skedaddle74

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

@GinAndJif

Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.

@weinerdog4life

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

@TheAlexNevil

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

@4SLars

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

@Cheeseboy22

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

@copymama

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.