I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.