I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

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[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?


Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars


I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.


Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.


The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs


People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.


Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.


Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.


My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.