i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet