I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”