@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

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@JPLFR80

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

@WheelTod

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

@PoorEvelyn

Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.

@MissHavisham

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

@RelatableQuote

How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.
You: BYEEEE

@MaryJustice86

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

@Maxine12333

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.