I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

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Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.


Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??


Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two


They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.


Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…


Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”


If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.


[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?


Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.