@McGrumpenstein: I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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@mejustbeth: It seems like I only lose weight when I don't buy ice cream. Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
@SteveSuckington: [2 guys at open mic night] What are we gonna name our band? [from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO *they look at each other*
@TweetsByKaylee: Moderator: your word is “impatient” Sloth: can you use it Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“ Sloth: in a Moderator: you know what close enough *ding* Sloth: oh great thank you Moderator: what the
@megfraser: I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.