I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”