I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
SPLOOT
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.