My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
You Might Also Like
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
#NoRestForTheWicked
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
saving face 👀
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate