groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter
everyone (sunbathing in february): ok
I’m a man trapped outside a woman’s body.
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“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
me: i’m 6’4″
me: wait for what
Just got my new drivers license. It’s a good thing my hair looks good because my face looks like I want to speak to a manager right away.