@sixthformpoet

I’m a man trapped outside a woman’s body.

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@InternetHippo

groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok

@ItsAndyRyan

“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift

@SamGrittner

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

@bonniemcfarlane

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

@PatsATweetin

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

@Adar79Angie

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@sheann828

Just got my new drivers license. It’s a good thing my hair looks good because my face looks like I want to speak to a manager right away.