“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target