i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
