@MyPornKhan

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

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@kelseydarragh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

@gavinpivott

“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.

@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@toomanytoes

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

@SwirlySkittles

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

@daddydoubts

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

@RdrJay47

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

@NikiWithIssues

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.