we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Never threaten anyone. It spoils the surprise.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.