I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
calling in to work dehydrated
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands