My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
You Might Also Like
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
mmm onion ringos
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK