Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
You Might Also Like
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here