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music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Breakfast for Stoners:
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I need a headline like this
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*