I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

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Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda


If she says “well you’re too busy to chat so have a good day”

..what she means is she hopes it’s a good day for your hair to catch on fire.


me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone




I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!


When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me