I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?