I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.