[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Has science gone too far?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Worlds greatest photobomb
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him