I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

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me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*


Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres


Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.


As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.


kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*


Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.