I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
And that about sums it up.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.