i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
LA today:
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.