COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me