I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works