I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

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My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.


My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes


I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.


Forget waterboarding… I’m ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know.


The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.


If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.


me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her