I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?