@retniw_nuf

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

@JBwol

Shout out to my Dad who has accidentally listed 600 seals and 180 of their pups for sale on Facebook.

@DurtMcHurtt

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@3sunzzz

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

@Caissie

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION