@McNarstle

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

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@KyleMcDowell86

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

@sickipediabot

So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library

@SirEvisiae

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

@heykarlin

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

@LlamaInaTux

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

@Easy_Tiger__

I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.

@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.