I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
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no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.