KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
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So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!
Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.