I’m a self-made hundredaire
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Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop