Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
A collection of me turning into random objects.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
A leaf blower, but for people.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?