@envydatropic

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

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@sirmunchie

My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.

@BBQJones28

For every chick that’s crying about no good guys out there…there’s a dude she’s ignoring that’s good to her.

@mandysparklerxo

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

@VisionBored1

Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did

Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring

@Quartzjixler

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@_KweeenK

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

@ningella

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

@dumbbeezie

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die