I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

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My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.


For every chick that’s crying about no good guys out there…there’s a dude she’s ignoring that’s good to her.


You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.


Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did

Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring


I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.


Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”


I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!


I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.


People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.


Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die