I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.