Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull
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The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*
You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal
D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full
M: that sounds like a mean trick
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”
Law and Order: Missing Shoe