I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
me, too, girl. me, too.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off