HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
The only good comments section online is on recipes
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight