“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Well, that didn’t work.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?