“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.