In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*launders Kohls cash*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes