@Saraphomet

I’m a stay-at-home mom and every morning my husband leaves for work I throw myself against the window that faces the driveway and slide down it slowly with a horrified look on my face.

He loves it but the neighbors aren’t so sure.

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@Robert_Beau

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

@AndLookPretty

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

@LizerReal

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

@House_Feminist

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”