@beefman138

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

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@simoncholland

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

@Lisabug74

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

@portmanteauface

30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.

40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.

@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@ermahgarton

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

@aishaismad

American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???

@heylauragao

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@allthenachos

We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.