I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…


Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.


England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.


I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me


You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.


You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you


Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle


Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.


I would like to be Ratatouilled. where’s the rat who’s good at my job


I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.