[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.
40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.
I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
American: COVID19 is super scary
American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?
American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?
American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I’m not mature enough to work at Siemens.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.
And Facebook is going to pay for it.
Make Twitter Great Again.