I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.