I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.